Okay, Americans...
\
...just what the FUCK is this thing?!
I came across it out at Lake Travis the other day.
How have I never seen one of these leviathans before? And how come none of you buggers have even told me about them? You'd think, with herds of these things stampeding around the countryside uprooting forests and flattening hills, someone would have said something to me at some point.
"Watch out for those massive rampaging green monsters, Stef!" you could have cried, "they'll have your leg off quicker than you can say 'My goodness, that's the largest caterpillar I've ever se-'"
Usually in Texas, when you can't identify a critter you kill it, because it could be poisonous. So I was in a quandary here - do I kill it or spare it (where it could go on to hurt a child, or a meddling idiot, or an amalgam of the two) or try to saddle the bastard and ride it home? I had a tiny, lingering doubt in the back of my mind that this fell beastie could probably take me in a scuffle, so my inner assembly vetoed violence. And besides, if I even did muster the nerve to assault it with a shovel or my boot or whatever, the potential splat-radius would rival Gallagher's wettest dream.
Of course it's a caterpillar or a pterodactyl larva or some other such thing, but it's bigger than my fucking thumb! (and girls - my thumbs are quite large.) What on earth could this thing turn into?
Enquiring minds and all that.
Item 2 on my bitching list – where the fuck was CBS show "The Unit" last night?! I have my 8pm Tuesday night ritual down pat – cold beer in the living-room fridge (oh yes, lads, I have a small fridge next to the couch), furnace-hot salsa in a shallow dipping bowl within easy reaching distance ready to be serially conveyed to my muncher via a heap of salted tortilla chips still warm from the fryer, chased down by the best series currently on TV. I love The Unit! Well-written, well-acted, well-shot, and lots of explosions – it's pretty much the only program I currently watch. Well, last night – horror of fucking horrors – it wasn't on!
What the bloody hell do you think you are doing, CBS?! Back-to-back episodes of 'Cane' instead?! Or is it 'Kane'?!
Who fucking cares?!
CBS apparently…
To compound the injustice, last week's episode, scheduled to record on my Tivo, was surreptitiously usurped by some NFL talk show. I don't even watch the fucking NFL!! That's two weeks in a row now I've sat there frozen in shock, searing salsa silently pitting its bowl's ceramic glaze, thighs warming a Pilsner Urquell and a laden chip poised halfway home while I try to figure out, staring blankly at the screen, just what the bloody fucking hell is going on. It's only an hour a week, for Chrissake! Is that too much to ask?
I'd like to speak to the people in charge. Please have them whipped and brought to my tent.
I came across it out at Lake Travis the other day.
How have I never seen one of these leviathans before? And how come none of you buggers have even told me about them? You'd think, with herds of these things stampeding around the countryside uprooting forests and flattening hills, someone would have said something to me at some point.
"Watch out for those massive rampaging green monsters, Stef!" you could have cried, "they'll have your leg off quicker than you can say 'My goodness, that's the largest caterpillar I've ever se-'"
Usually in Texas, when you can't identify a critter you kill it, because it could be poisonous. So I was in a quandary here - do I kill it or spare it (where it could go on to hurt a child, or a meddling idiot, or an amalgam of the two) or try to saddle the bastard and ride it home? I had a tiny, lingering doubt in the back of my mind that this fell beastie could probably take me in a scuffle, so my inner assembly vetoed violence. And besides, if I even did muster the nerve to assault it with a shovel or my boot or whatever, the potential splat-radius would rival Gallagher's wettest dream.
Of course it's a caterpillar or a pterodactyl larva or some other such thing, but it's bigger than my fucking thumb! (and girls - my thumbs are quite large.) What on earth could this thing turn into?
Enquiring minds and all that.
Item 2 on my bitching list – where the fuck was CBS show "The Unit" last night?! I have my 8pm Tuesday night ritual down pat – cold beer in the living-room fridge (oh yes, lads, I have a small fridge next to the couch), furnace-hot salsa in a shallow dipping bowl within easy reaching distance ready to be serially conveyed to my muncher via a heap of salted tortilla chips still warm from the fryer, chased down by the best series currently on TV. I love The Unit! Well-written, well-acted, well-shot, and lots of explosions – it's pretty much the only program I currently watch. Well, last night – horror of fucking horrors – it wasn't on!
What the bloody hell do you think you are doing, CBS?! Back-to-back episodes of 'Cane' instead?! Or is it 'Kane'?!
Who fucking cares?!
CBS apparently…
To compound the injustice, last week's episode, scheduled to record on my Tivo, was surreptitiously usurped by some NFL talk show. I don't even watch the fucking NFL!! That's two weeks in a row now I've sat there frozen in shock, searing salsa silently pitting its bowl's ceramic glaze, thighs warming a Pilsner Urquell and a laden chip poised halfway home while I try to figure out, staring blankly at the screen, just what the bloody fucking hell is going on. It's only an hour a week, for Chrissake! Is that too much to ask?
I'd like to speak to the people in charge. Please have them whipped and brought to my tent.
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