In order to help my American brethren further enlighten themselves about the world at large, I am going to confirm or dispel many of the rumors, superstitions, and gossip many Americans hold to be true about your transatlantic cousins.
"Limeys all live in castles"
Yes, we all live in castles. This is the one I live in. It’s a fairly new one, so is actually more of what we call a "stately home" – castles tend to be older medieval affairs with glassless windows and no toilet. There are no castles in America, despite what the A&E channel says.
This, for example;
is not a fucking castle.
"Don’t call a Scotch Person British"
Firstly, it’s "Scots," secondly, Scotland is the northern part of Britain – Britain is the name of the Island that Scotland, England, and Wales are located on. If a Scot has misled you into believing he’s not from Britain, either he’s winding you up or spent that particularly vital geography class dreamily fantasizing that "Braveheart" had some basis in fact.
"Britain is a crowded little island"
As you can see, we’re packed together like agoraphobics in a clown car during a fraternity stunt.
"British Cars are Crap"
Not according to James Bond.
"English Food is Bland"
One of my favorites. Of the top 50 restaurants in the world rated last year, 14 were in England, 10 in the USA. Factor in population size difference and the gulf becomes truly impressive. London was said to be the "best place in the world to eat" by Gourmet magazine, a US publication. Thanks to our former empire, British cuisine is hugely diverse. The national dish is not fish ’n’ chips or roast beef and Yorkshire pudding (both excellent dishes in their own right) – it’s chicken tikka masala.
Apple pie is a British dish.
"British Teeth are Fucked Up"
No idea where this one came from, but I suspect Jay Leno has a lot to do with it. When you consider that most Brits grew up with free dental healthcare, you’ll understand the ridiculousness of this misconception.
"The Brits are inbred"
Quite the reverse. For hundreds of years we roamed the planet building roads, hospitals, schools, universities and governmental infrastructure for third world countries. Then we drank their beer and fucked their women. Obviously, this made us somewhat unpopular with the menfolk, but it spread our seed wide. This wanderfucking is evident nowadays in much smaller, localized invasions known as "rugby tours".
However, the royal family is as inbred as the cast of Deliverance.
Swap the scepter for a banjo and ol’ Lizzie could outshitkick Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies.
"British Beer is Served Warm"
Chilling beer until it’s ice cold kills the flavor; thus the process is generally reserved for shit beer. Good beer should be consumed a little warmer, so the drinker may experience the myriad of delicate flavors that the brewing artist has so lovingly hand-crafted into his wares. Lagers should be served colder than ales, if you want to get gourmet; just out of the fridge is about right, little less chilled for ales. However, Budweiser should be served frozen on a fucking stick.
"Englishmen are Gay"
Apparently, 6% of us are. The only percentage I could find for the US population was 10%. Interesting. So this myth is built on the idea that Englishmen are effeminate, probably due to the impeccably annoying diction employed by the 5% of the population "privileged" to attend Britain’s famous private schools. Frankly, I’m glad I didn’t go to one. The endless buggery seems too steep a price to pay to be molded into some cookie-cutter chinless cock cleaner with greasy hair slicked into a side-parting and a honking laugh that’d confuse migrating geese.
5%
Compared to
95%
Hang on a minute. 5% and 6%? Anyone see a connection?
Cheers
Stef
"Limeys all live in castles"
Yes, we all live in castles. This is the one I live in. It’s a fairly new one, so is actually more of what we call a "stately home" – castles tend to be older medieval affairs with glassless windows and no toilet. There are no castles in America, despite what the A&E channel says.This, for example;
is not a fucking castle."Don’t call a Scotch Person British"
Firstly, it’s "Scots," secondly, Scotland is the northern part of Britain – Britain is the name of the Island that Scotland, England, and Wales are located on. If a Scot has misled you into believing he’s not from Britain, either he’s winding you up or spent that particularly vital geography class dreamily fantasizing that "Braveheart" had some basis in fact.
"Britain is a crowded little island"
As you can see, we’re packed together like agoraphobics in a clown car during a fraternity stunt."British Cars are Crap"
Not according to James Bond.
"English Food is Bland"
One of my favorites. Of the top 50 restaurants in the world rated last year, 14 were in England, 10 in the USA. Factor in population size difference and the gulf becomes truly impressive. London was said to be the "best place in the world to eat" by Gourmet magazine, a US publication. Thanks to our former empire, British cuisine is hugely diverse. The national dish is not fish ’n’ chips or roast beef and Yorkshire pudding (both excellent dishes in their own right) – it’s chicken tikka masala.
Apple pie is a British dish.
"British Teeth are Fucked Up"
No idea where this one came from, but I suspect Jay Leno has a lot to do with it. When you consider that most Brits grew up with free dental healthcare, you’ll understand the ridiculousness of this misconception.
"The Brits are inbred"
Quite the reverse. For hundreds of years we roamed the planet building roads, hospitals, schools, universities and governmental infrastructure for third world countries. Then we drank their beer and fucked their women. Obviously, this made us somewhat unpopular with the menfolk, but it spread our seed wide. This wanderfucking is evident nowadays in much smaller, localized invasions known as "rugby tours".
However, the royal family is as inbred as the cast of Deliverance.
Swap the scepter for a banjo and ol’ Lizzie could outshitkick Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies."British Beer is Served Warm"
Chilling beer until it’s ice cold kills the flavor; thus the process is generally reserved for shit beer. Good beer should be consumed a little warmer, so the drinker may experience the myriad of delicate flavors that the brewing artist has so lovingly hand-crafted into his wares. Lagers should be served colder than ales, if you want to get gourmet; just out of the fridge is about right, little less chilled for ales. However, Budweiser should be served frozen on a fucking stick.
"Englishmen are Gay"
Apparently, 6% of us are. The only percentage I could find for the US population was 10%. Interesting. So this myth is built on the idea that Englishmen are effeminate, probably due to the impeccably annoying diction employed by the 5% of the population "privileged" to attend Britain’s famous private schools. Frankly, I’m glad I didn’t go to one. The endless buggery seems too steep a price to pay to be molded into some cookie-cutter chinless cock cleaner with greasy hair slicked into a side-parting and a honking laugh that’d confuse migrating geese.
5%
Compared to
95%
Hang on a minute. 5% and 6%? Anyone see a connection?
Cheers
Stef
Comments
Post a Comment